January 21, 2009
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I’m going to Hell.
For a few short weeks, I had a life growing inside me. It was magical and exciting; a life-changing event you couldn’t help but look forward to. I’ve wanted to be a mommy ever since I could remember … playing house at 5 years old, rocking my dollies to sleep and feeding them plastic food. Mommyhood is something I’ve always been destined for.
But, as I sat trembling on the exam table, watching the doctor struggling to break the bad news to us, a sense of calm washed over us both. Huh? Where’d THIS emotion come from?
I don’t know if you all have noticed, but I’m pretty “Type A” when it comes to organization. My life functions better with a list and a schedule (especially since I juggle so many different things). From the moment the plus sign appeared, I went into overdrive, trying to compensate for weeks of lost planning time. Where would the baby sleep? How would we pay for daycare? Would husband really be okay being a stay-at-home dad? We could make anything work, especially for a most-treasured new arrival … Yes, we figured out a way to manage, but it wasn’t ideal.
Now, back to that calm feeling I was talking about. See, husband and I have always been very pragmatic when it comes to life. You can’t change the past, and your past doesn’t necessarily dictate your future. We think of ourselves as “grounded optimists” — eternally positive, with a touch of reality. Yes, we lost a baby. It’s a sad and tragic thing that we continue to grieve over. BUT we can’t change it. In a twisted way, this miscarriage is a bittersweet “blessing.” We now know that we can get pregnant (something we had genuinely been concerned about), but more than that, we are able to take a step back, refocus our lives and better PREPARE for this next step in life.
I’m not sure if these thoughts are coming across the way they need to, but you all told me to talk through this.
Comments (106)
Um … I’m having a serious lapse here … how are you going to hell?
My mom would be going 5 times over … ???
There’s absolutely nothing that’s your fault about this, you know. I really don’t know anything that I can say to help, except that I’ve witnessed my mother have multiple miscarriages, and feel terrible.
But stay strong. The time will come.
You are NOT going to hell at all.
We understand what you mean. Not that you wouldn’t have loved that baby with everything you have, but you can better prepare for a planned baby, and feel better about the decision, unlike the decision you didn’t have the choice to make.
NOT going to hell.
All I know is that through the worst times in my life I was a stronger person after having come through it.
@icicle84 - It’s not that I had a miscarriage that is sending me to hell, but my attitude about it. I’m sad and distraught, but I don’t think I’m sad ENOUGH. That’s why I feel like I’m going to Hell.
Jen, you obviously are bummed about losing the baby, you obviously hurt…but to realize that you really weren’t ideally ready is an okay emotion to have as well. If we can learn a lesson from tragedy then that is a great thing…not something you should question. To come to the realization that there is more getting ready before a baby is a good thing. You didn’t wish your baby away or do anything to make it disappear…that happened due to other circumstances. Muah…all in due time!
Also, I know I told you at some point that I lived in Garland!…you just weren’t listening! haha
You’re definitely not going to hell, Jen.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but as you said maybe it is a blessing in disguise.
You’ll be in my thoughts.
I don’t see why you’d be going to Hell. Obviously God could see that a baby wasn’t going to work at this time in your life, so he gave you this experience so you would know to be better prepared when he finally blesses you with another baby and you’re ready for it.
And, if you were going to hell because you think it was a bittersweet blessing, than thousands of women would be going, too.
@AirForceVirgin - exactly. All the emotions of sadness are there, but having an ounce of positivity about the situation makes me feel like a bad person, that’s all.
@seedsower - And it’s that thought that gets me through these times … I know I’m coming out of this (and other situations) a stronger person. You can’t help but be positive through the bad times, because you know it’s only going to get better.
@DommieGirlLovie - I can respect that.
I agree that what you went through was a blessing in disguise. You aren’t happy you lost your baby, but you are glad you will be able to PREPARE for the next one. In no way is that wrong. It’s perfectly normal!
You aren’t going to hell, and its not wrong to think of this outcome as a blessing.
Blessings happen in many ways and forms, it teaches us of the many miracles that can happen in life.
no matter what, you are still in my thoughts and i still wish you the best…
@BarelyJen - please, don’t do that to yourself.
Humans experience so many emotions … it’s impossible to feel the way you “should” feel all the time.
You did nothing wrong in having a miscarriage, and you’re in no way wrong for having feelings of relief. You know what that makes you? Human. We all are. We all feel things we don’t think we “should” feel.
Just don’t dwell on it – look to the future, and don’t overanalyze your emotions (easier said than done, I know. I’ve never been there). Just smack me sometime if you want to.
No you’re not!
@BarelyJen - Dear One, I don’t think that your reaction is sufficient enough to send you to eternal damnation. Relief does NOT equate to you making the decision for the child to die in the first place. Even then, I don’t believe you would necessarily go to hell over that.
I love you. I hope you know that. *hugs*
@hannuuuuh - (sarcastic side comes out for a moment in regard to your last line) If that’s the case, at least I’d have some company
Seriously, though, realistically, I realize I’m being stupid for thinking I’m feeling anything not normal, etc., but it’s just a weird time, that’s all 
@jediwa72 - I always listen to you, it just means my brain is overloaded with your greatness! BTW, have I told you lately that I love you? I can’t wait to catch up with your blogs, as soon as I’m allowed back at the computer full-time! (This weekend! YAY!)
making lemonade from lemons was never a sin. in my opinion finding a light of hope in the darkness of sorrow, rather than wallowing in grief is an indicator of a strong character.
and i swear i am not blowing shit out of my ass. these are genuine profound words D:
Going to Hell? Why are you going to Hell?
I wish I knew the right thing to say that would make it all better.
@EilisAngelos - I love you too!
@icicle84 - Nope, no smacking for you (today
) … I think I just need to talk about it as the emotions come (part of the process, I guess). I’m not one to bottle this stuff up, so as stupid as I think it is, I submit it to my dear friends for guidance.
… You all have a way of making my muddled thoughts sound logical. I think I’ve lost that part of my brain this week. Thank you!
@TheTheologiansCafe - Say “oogity boogity” and it’ll be right as rain.
@Chinese_Sait0u - They truly are!
@BarelyJen - eh, it’s a curse I was born with, I think. I don’t like being logical, but that 50% of my brain is winning out right now.
@BarelyJen - hahah, I’m sure you’re not the only one to think that ;] and you’re not being stupid, you’re being human. :]
i don’t think you are going to hell AT. ALL.
First off, you had a miscarriage.. as IF that is your fault. And honestly, if it feels like a bit of relief then perhaps all things happen for a reason..
I wish you the best and stop beating yourself up. really. everything has its time..
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who
have been called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28 (NIV)
I would argue that experiencing peace in the midst of life’s storms probably indicates quite the opposite.
Deepest condolences.
And whatever feelings you’re having, know that they are legitimate feelings and they are your own. Know that you are loved.
That which does not kill us makes up stronger – or so those crazy southern ladies from Steel Magnolias led me to believe.
Maybe the timing wasn’t right and now you will have the chance to plan the next pregnancy.
Still, I know it sucks. Been there -and all I can say is, keep talking about it, don’t bottle it up.
I will never suffer you seat of grief. but that doesn’t mean I’ve never suffered the hell of a step back. humor is a fragile thing but I always have tried to do one important thing… find the fleeting smiles.
I don’t think it is at all wrong for you to feel the way you do. If the time wasn’t right in your life, then it just wasn’t right. You shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling a little but of relief over what you have gone through. You want to bring a baby into this world under ideal terms [although I can assure you, I don't think you can ever be fully prepared for taking on bringing a child into the world] and there is nothing wrong with that. Your body obviously wasn’t ready to bring a child into the picture yet, either. A miscarriage is your body’s way of telling you something just was not right.
Bug hugs to you!!
I thank you for sharing this with us. I am happy that you can see an “up” in a very “down” situation. I love u Jen!!
You are not going to Hell. The miscarriage, and all the associated feelings with it, are not your fault, and the whole gamut of feelings is to be expected, and is normal.
When I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant many years back, I felt guilty, and like a horrible parent, a horrible person, for even letting the fleeting thought of abortion cross my mind. I have ALWAYS been staunchly pro-life. I could not even fathom actually getting an abortion, and having had two children already, I knew what it was to have a life growing inside me. How could I even think that? I was in a rather difficult situation, felt like I couldn’t face the world, and felt mortified, in my situation, to be pregnant out of wedlock. All kinds of things cross your mind when you go through anything remotely traumatizing.
I confessed this to my pastor, and do you know what he said? He told me that every thought I had, every feeling I had, was a gift from God – he said that God gave us intelligence just so that we could consider every possible alternative, even the distasteful ones, so that we could ponder things and arrive at the right decision, and know with certainty that our decision was the right one. He didn’t condemn me for having that thought – what kind of puppets of God’s would we be if we weren’t confronted with difficult situations and decisions and have to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider things, and then, hopefully, choose to do what is right? We learn something every time we go through these difficult circumstances. He told me that every time I felt a wave of morning sickness, to think of God telling me “You are forgiven”. Then he told me congratulations, and gave me a big hug. Even the most difficult situations can be a blessing, whether we realize it at the time, or not. And oh, my, what a blessing she is.
It’s okay to grieve – and it’s okay to feel relief, at times, as well. There will be another time, a better time, and you will certainly feel it then and celebrate it.
I understand how you’re feeling, I think. Yes, it was a very sad thing, but also a blessing-in-disguise… I’m glad that you’ve reached a point like this, because dwelling on the past only makes the pain worse.. *hugs* I hope things continue to get better.
aw hun, you are not going to hell because you’re trying to be positive. we cope the best ways we can, your child was a blessing like any other. i had similar feelings after having a missed miscarriage, like i’m supposed to be the way other people wanted me to be, but i wasn’t. we focused on the beautiful life that we were blessed with, if only for a short time. we didn’t want to say our child’s name as just a whisper of hurt and loss. afterall, from the day we found out i was pregnant, we were happy & excited. as i pushed our lifeless baby out of me, we held on to each other and then put our feelings aside, welcomed our baby into the world with smiles and joy. i figured every baby delivered that day was greeted with love and smiles, our child deserved no less. many people didn’t understand and so i stopped talking to everyone. i’m slowly talking to family and friends, but i’m allowing myself to grieve my way. there is no right or wrong, it’s a loss that no one else is going to carry the same way you will. please just take care of yourself and allow yourself to mourn/grieve the way you do. don’t worry anyone else, but you and your hubby, times like this is when you need each other more than anyone else.
I think I understand what you are trying to say.
I don’t think you need to be ‘more sad’.
I feel like you were already prepared for it. Each thing that happens to us, we always see the positive/negative/ideal. You saw all of that. I know you wanted this baby. I will be an auntie soon enough. Love you!
Your emotions your thoughts all came across to me quite well, like I said in my last message I know EXACTLY what your going through cause I have experience that same loss, and yes God disguises his bless in ways we can’t ever comprehend but just learn to live with
<3 You will be fine
Sweetheart you are not going to hell.
*hugs*
You are not going to hell. Your reaction is realistic and normal. There is no way to change what has happened, none. You are moving through it and taking what positive actions you can. You are going to be an awesome parent one day and your children will be lucky to have you
i dont know first hand what you mean, but i dont think it sounds wierd or creepy…
You’re Fine.. you’re not going to hell. Things always happen for a reason.
It was purely accidental that i read your blog…
and What you said is true…we can always live a better life…leaving the past behind…
some thing was disturbing my mind and heart for the last few days for some past deeds
and now am very clear in my mind after reading your blog…
now decided to prepare for a new life….with new happiness forgiveness and love…
Thank you thank you very much….
“You can’t change the past, and your past doesn’t necessarily dictate
your future. We think of ourselves as “grounded optimists” — eternally
positive, with a touch of reality. Yes, we lost a baby. It’s a sad and tragic thing that we continue to grieve over.
BUT we can’t change it. In a twisted way, this miscarriage is a
bittersweet “blessing.” We now know that we can get pregnant (something
we had genuinely been concerned about), but more than that, we are able
to take a step back, refocus our lives and better PREPARE for this next
step in life”
You really made my life…
am so happy this moment…
God Bless you…
And my prayers ll be always there for you….
Take Care!
I had a close friend go through same thing. An unplanned pregnancy that hubby didn’t really believe was true, that would’ve been inconvenient, but she knew it had been there, and was no longer. I remember telling her, I know she’s glad, yet grieving, too, and was both happy and sad for her. Wow. We as humans are so incredibly complicated, aren’t we? Love you, Jen.
halo (-:
You’re only human
and no you’re definitely not going to hell for even breathing a sigh of relief. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. But hey, now you’ve got time to plan, to organise, to think every minute detail through. You’re going to be super prepared. And the next time around, it’s going to be amazing.
you are not going to Hell b/c you had a sense of calm over a loss… it simply was not the right time… you will have your baby’s spirit in your heart and have your moments… but do not think for a second you’re going to Hell b/c of a fear of a lifestyle change… that’s just human…
Stay strong
D
Sorry for your loss.
Sending more hugs. Hopefully they will arrive just in time.
Oh, honey, i’m so sorry. What a horrible tragedy. You are probably in shock right now, and it will come. If you need to talk to someone, know i’m here.
As I prayed for you and your husband the other day and this morning, Romans 8:28 kept coming to mind. It was really the verse that got me through my own miscarriage. I don’t like to think that little life was miscarried because of some awful disease or horrible deformity, I would rather think that it is a result of living in a fallen world where bad things happen to good people.
I don’t know why these things happen, but I do know there is nothing wrong with finding the blessings within our situation.
Cling to the blessings that you find during this time, and don’t allow feelings of guilt or failure stop you from clinging tight to the blessings you see around you and within your circumstances.
x
You are not going to hell!!!
Everyone handles a miscarriage in different ways. You are sad… and there is no certain level of sadness that you HAVE to feel. I am sorry to hear about this, but like you said… at least you know that you can get pregnant!!!! All things happen for a reason. Don’t beat yourself up over this. You will be a good mom!! When you’re ready!
LOTS OF HUGS!!!!!!
I truly believe that when you can see some good in a bad situation, it’s a very good thing. It gives you perspective and it gives you peace. Neither one of those are bad things at all.
You are not going to hell.
Just keep working through it Jen. It’ll be ok.
I felt relieved when I lost my first baby. I wasn’t married, had been date raped and was only 19. I was in no way ready to be a mom. I grieved (and will for the remainder of my life) the loss of that life- but it did feel a bit good to be free. I struggled with guilt over that feeling of relief for so long. I finally realized that emotions are just that emotions. We can’t stop them from coming. We can recognize them, accept them and decide what to do with them. So, I decided that I’d allow myself to acknowledge that I was relieved and that relief did NOT dimish the intense grief I also felt. Emotions aren’t math, if that makes sense. Your relief does not subtract from your grief. They merely coexist.
Hope that makes sense.
I agree with everyone else on asking, how are you going to hell?
There are a lot of people who would probably be feeling the same way you’re feeling, but at the same time there are a lot of people who are out there that live in the past and just can’t get over the fact that they had a miscarriage. I think those are the unhealthy people. I mean, you grieved over it and now you are trying to get on with life. I think this is a very good idea & a very healthy thing to do.
That peace? That was the peace of G-d. I know that you may not agree with it, but that’s what it was.
It’s not easy. I can only see the grief my mother figures have when they speak of their own miscarriages.
Big hug.
I understand what you mean about being bothered by your positivity. It took a long time for me to get used to the fact that I’m simply very pragmatic and don’t necessarily need to wail in the streets wearing sackcloth and ashes when I’m grieving. Instead, I might pour my grief into writing a song and go on with life, keeping the memories with me and praying for the one I’ve lost.
Jen, listen carefully, okay? (Read carefully? I dunno … )
Emotions are NEVER wrong. N-e-v-e-r. You feel what you feel, that’s perfectly fine and normal.
You had just barely begun to realise you were going to have a baby at all, when it was taken from you. It’s not like you were trying to get pregnant for 5 years, got to eight months and then the baby passed on. You couldn’t even assimilate the changes you, your husband and your world would be going through, when the situation changed again.
As another person said: You did not wish this baby away, you didn’t want a miscarriage … You would have loved that baby with all your heart, I am sure. But there is also a bit of peace of mind that you don’t have to scramble and hurry and take any solution to accomodate the changes you would have had to make. And there is NOTHING WRONG with that.
It does not mean you are cold-hearted, or even that a few months from now you wouldn’t have felt very differently than you do now, had you miscarried then.
Argh. I’m having trouble finding the right words to try to make my meaning clear. Yes, it is sad and yes, it is a loss. But the baby hadn’t had the time to become known as a real person to you. Does that make sense to you?
Anyways, I’m taking my fumbling fingers off the keyboard now … Sending (((((hugs))))) of understanding to you and your husband.
@repressedwriter - Yes! That was what I was trying to say! Thank you.
@CanadianBroad - I’m glad it made sense to someone.
If you’re going to hell, I’ll see you there, honey! But you’re not, so I won’t. **hugs**
I love you, Jen, and I am very proud of you.
Old Hat
Sweety, I have learned that you are never ready until the baby actually gets here. With my first few “chemical” pregnancies, I had that feeling of calm. People asked me all the time, how are you? Fine, and then I would hear them talk behind my back. When I Had my first full Miscarriage, I cried the first night. For a few hours, then I went to breakfast at four AM. We went to a Christmas party two days later. People asked again, Are you okay? I said, No but I’m doing fine. That seemed to placate them. I cried again on my due date. Then I had my son. You will always mourn that baby, and it may take you a while to actually stop. (took me four years) But you will always think about it. My sister in law once told me I didn’t have a soul because after mine, I was okay, numb but okay. She didn’t leave her bed for four weeks.
Everyone is different. This is a normal feeling.
Brandon and I are thinking about you. Everything happens for a reason and god has big plans for you and your family…. I cant wait to see what they are cause there is so much that you have to give! I cant wait!!!! Keep your head up and if you need hugs, we are only a few hours away!
Then I guess I am going to join you. Because when my Mom died, I felt, relived. So that makes two of us, because I did not feel bad enough about the fact that she died. Does that make sense?
Jen, emotions are just that, emotions. Of COURSE you feel relief, having a baby, no matter how much wanted is a huge change in one’s life. Relief is your mind and body saying. ‘Oh, so we don’t have to change after all, whew’. If I did not get into Graduate school (which I have been wanting for like, forever) I would have felt disappointed and, yes, relived, because then I don’t have to change after all. ‘I tried, it failed, but now I am off the hook’ sense.
When you do have a baby, there will probably be a panic later on with, ‘oh my gosh, it has to come OUT!’ and you think about just how small that outing is, know what I mean? So, back up, and think. Its just an emotion. Hell is really reserve for those who chose with intention and action to cause harm. You are not done with feeling bad yet. I bet your relief is also a sense of grief trying to mask as ‘it does not matter that much’ sense of emotional logic.
You are Human Jen, welcome to the race…
How are you going to hell? I at first assumed that this post would be about abortion. I see nothing irregular or mean about your thoughts on your pregnancy. It’s not something you made happen. It just happened.
Actually, I can relate. I’ve never had a miscarriage, but I know if I got pregnant right now, I would feel excited and would make it work, but I also know the husband and I are not prepared nor wanting that right now. And I imagine if I did miscarry, I would feel a sense of relief with the sadness. I don’t think you are alone in feeling this way. I am sorry for your lost – I can’t imagine how it hurts. But I don’t think you are the only one who feels the way you do, nor are you a “bad person” for feeling that way. ~ L
hell is not for those who miscarry and are relieved that an unplanned pregnancy was averted. it’s reserved for those who actively do bad things.
*hug*
hope you’re doing okay. hope you’re getting some rest.
You are not going to hell.
I am sorry for you and your husbands loss. i will not know the pain you two must be faceing now. however,I know what it is like to almost lose a child. We all most lost our son twice,once when i was pregnant ( his umbilical cord was not working right and labor started around the 4th month i was on bed rest from 4 months on) and when he was born,he was not breathing and he had to be rushed to the NICU,It was amazing that he over came it all.
Here is were i am trying to go with this- i had an amazing high risk doctor without him i am sure i would have lost my baby and when you start planing for your next baby,make sure you have a high risk pregnancy doctor lined up too.
I know how you feel about the planning part, i had my first at 19 and i was not ready,my second was a surprise and i had her at 21. I felt bad after i had my little girl,because i had nothing planned. But with my husband and god i have overcome all the obstacles and self doubting. No one is ever ready for there first baby,no matter how much you plan. The best advice i can give you for your next one is: Love them,bath them, feed them,spend time with them,teach them,watch over them. Also,No book can ever tell you have to be the right mom for your child,go with your instinct.
I hope this helps and once again your amazing and you are not going to hell!
I thought I was going to hell when I found out I was pregnant with this one. I really did NOT want to be pregnant. I wasn’t ready, we weren’t financially stable, etc etc, all the excuses. For months I resented being pregnant.
Then I had a few nights of dreams that I lost the baby and in the dreams I was crushed.. It made me realize that even though I wasn’t ready for the baby, I still *wanted* the baby. It’s pretty sad that it took the scare of losing the baby to realize it.
Besides, what was I going to tell the kid? “Well, we really didn’t *want* you, but you came anyway. Great job, sweetie.”
I still don’t know that I’m as excited with this pregnancy as I was with the other two. We wanted a big family, just not right *now*. But now we get one. And we’re happy with life. When you can’t change things, you learn to accept them. The longer you take to accept things, the harder the change will be. You were just smart enough to accept this change early in it’s discovery.
You are not going to hell at all! A miscarriage is in no way your fault and it makes total sense to be a little relieved if you weren’t prepared for a baby right now.
It’s not like you’re all, “Phew! Miscarriage > Having a baby!! WOO!!”
You’re just relieved that you’ll have more time to plan and prepare for when you inevitably do have a child.
It sounds like a perfectly natural response to me.
I think you have a very positive and realistic view. The truth is that there was something wrong with that baby. Something was not developing correctly, and God chose to end that life, not you. Maybe it was not the right time; maybe God had reasons we will never understand. Whatever the case, your response is actually very mature and refreshing … in my opinion. And I don’t think that is something to worry about going to hell over.
I’ll just repeat what everyone else said.
You = not going to Hell.
As a wife and mother to 6, and as one who has lost 7 babies along the way, let me assure you that there is NO rule of how sad you should feel. You will drive yourself crazy with guilt about not feeling sad enough.
All the babies we lost were not planned pregnancies. Somewhere along the way we decided to quit trying and trust God, because we truly had no control anyway. God gives life,not me.
My emotions ran from extreme wailing and grief so painful that I never thought i could go on without daily bouts of crying, to the opposite extreme of feeling BAD about the days I forgot to think about my baby I’d lost. Then I would feel guilty abou that. It is a vicious circle.
The only help for it is to cry when you need to, laugh when you can, grieve and rejoice and don’t feel guilty or sad or bad about either emotion or the ones in between.
Though I would not want to relive my miscarriages, and stillbirths at 20,24,28 wks gestation, looking back I can see the good God worked out in my life through those losses. 2 of my children would not have been born had I carried a previous pregnancy to term.
This is not to say that there are not days when I wonder what Jonathan would have looked like; would Melinda like puppies;… etc. And yes, I still cry and grieve, at the oddest moments, usually when I least expect it. But at these times the grief is different inexplicably so. I’m at the point of wondering “what if” for alot of things lately.
My oldest is getting married in the next 6-9 mos. so that has me examining my life and wondering what the future holds.
Just hang in there. God will comfort your heart, and don’t let bad feelings get the better of you.
Im so sorry for your loss….
You are so not going to hell. Thats no place for you, I hear they dont have Xanga.
So sorry to hear this. (Big hug)
You are not going to hell lol.Miscarriages are not a fault of anyone.As you said,this could easily be a blessing in disguise.Everything happens for a reason.This just means that it wasn’t the right time.
Good luck!
I don’t think that would mean you’re going to hell…. you can’t really help feeling that way. Besides, if God believed it wasn’t time for you to have a child yet, then it was his will, no?
I’m sorry for your loss.
I don’t know if it was recent or a while ago, but still.
You have no reason to feel guilty! Just realize that God has a reason for everything. Your baby is with Jesus right now.
how are you going to hell ? thats nuts
I don’t know how far along you were, but it may partially be that you had not been given enough time to connect with your child to grieve. But feel blessed, that you had that little, wonderful time with your child–it’s very possible that I will never have biological children, and I find myself envying you. My thoughts and prayers, though from a random stranger, go with you.
Well, I don’t know if I believe in hell, but I don’t think you’re going there even if it exists.
Things happen for a reason, and I think it is fabulous that you’re able to see the “good” in a horrible thing and you can hope for more in the future.
Ease up on yourself, kiddo. You’ve already been through hell. It’s perfectly normal to have a range of emotions.
@DommieGirlLovie - Uhhhhh, isn’t “no Comment” a comment? similar to “Oh, I’m far to full to eat anything…except maybe this half a turkey, yes I’ll just eat this little half a bird”
So let me be the first to say “hey, if you get to hell before I do save me a good seat!”
I have had a LOT of painful hardship in my life but I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. Some people say miscarriages aren’t the same as the death of a child who was born and then died. It’s not my opinion, it a scientific finding that the grief is the same and needs to be respected and treated as such.
Take your time, seek out CARING people and consider therapy for both you and your husband.
I will pray for you and f there is ANYTHING I can possibly do beyond that PLEASE let me know and PLEASE give this grief a long fair amount of time.
Oh, by the way, I’ve found most people who care that they are going to hell probably are not.
If you truly belive you are lost you wouldn’t really care anyway. Why fear the punishment of a God you don’t take seriously in the first place.
Just remember these two things, your little baby is safe in the arms of Jesus and God Loves you even if you don’t want him to right now.
Oh, I hope you will find healing in this life long journey you have just started on.
@BarelyJen - Thats just what I said, that it was your thoughts, and could say whatever you want….
Why would you be going to Hell? Because you miscarried? That’s not a reason to go to Hell. *sigh* So many people have told you so many fucked up things, haven’t they?
Man, if you guys keep changing the criteria for getting into hell I’m going to scream!
I want to offer words of encouragement, I do. But I feel like everyone has already done that. It breaks my heart that you are going through this. I’m glad you are handling it so well. And trust me when I say that the way your handling it is NORMAL, at least for you. Every woman who has ever had to go through what you’ve been through handles it differently, and anyone who tells you that your not handling it properly can take a long walk off a short pier for all I care. Just take time for yourself, do what you need to do to get back to you again, and most of all tell the haters to take a hike. I’m here if you need to talk
I’m sorry for you and your husbands loss, but it is relieving to hear that the two of you can stay optimistic together even when it gets bad.
I’m sorry for your loss. But you’re doing the best you can at this point, reflecting and growing and staying strong. I don’t think there’s really such thing as a wrong feeling- emotions are complex and complicated, and you’re feeling more than one right now. I think it’s safe to say that your eternal soul isn’t damned on account of being human.
This is totally normal! This is your brain’s way of coping with this tragedy.
When you are so torn on a subject like having children [and I can relate because I am as well!] it is completely normal to feel this way in lieu of a miscarriage.
If you are feeling incredibly guilty I might suggest that you seek help from a psychologist concerning the matter.
I am sorry for your loss.
<3
@Evolutionary_21 - oh, no, not for that … just my attitude about it. (for the record, I know I’m not, but I feel bad for feeling the least bit relieved, that’s all)
You are handling this well, it seems. Preparation before bringing a life into the world is essential. But at the same time, the spontaneity of conceiving is also part of what makes it so exciting.
I was told I wouldn’t be able to have children at all, and then I got pregnant when I was younger, and then I lost her, and I wsa destroyed by losing what I saw as my only chance to have a child. I now have a beautiful, redheaded ball of boy chaos to keep me young.
Your time will come, whether you’re ready or not, so you might as well start planning.
Regardless of whether or not it was a semi-blessing in disguise, I’m very sorry for your loss.
sorry for your loss. i know that you will make a great mother. best of best to you.
You know what? It’s OKAY! If you truly feel you have something to feel guilty about, then take it to God and ask Him to help you through this. He already knows how you feel anyway, so why not just talk to Him about it? Sometimes just hearing those words out loud, can be scary at first, but once they are spoken, they don’t hold as much guilt as when they are unspoken! He understands!
I, personally, know how you feel. I lost my first baby. I was 12 weeks along when I lost it. As thrilled as I was when I found out I was pregnant, I was also very relieved when it was over, because it was only then that I figured out that I was nowhere near ready to have this kind of responsibility in my life. The next time we got pregnant, was a whole new story…..and I was a lot more prepared!
I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry about the miscarriage.
You’re not going to “hell”. You just want to be ready for the baby. I say I understand that. :]
Why would God send you to hell for something that only he can control?
Silly Jen, Trix are 4 kids.
So eat some Fruit Loops instead
Let me share a little story with you… (first of all, BIG HUGS)
I was previously married (you may or may not have read my blog on this journey of mine) and for those 5 years of marriage, I tried my damndest to get pregnant. I went off of birth control just 5 months after our wedding. After 5 years of trying every chance I had (after all, I thought it was all I needed to “save” my failing marriage) I gave up. I lost all hope. Being a mother was the one dream I had for myself. It was the one thing that would be mine and mine alone. And I wanted it more than anything in this world.
Fast forward 2 years and I meet Chris. 6 months after we meet and I get pregnant. It was completely unplanned, out of the blue and one of the most awesome experiences of my life. Seeing that word “pregnant” on the test (it was one of those digital ones) was a moment I will never ever forget. I was terrified to tell Chris because we hadn’t known each other for very long, we weren’t married; hell, I didn’t even know if he wanted children. But he was beyond thrilled. It was like the planets aligned and my life finally made sense. 2 weeks later I ended up in the emergency room and later that night, we lost our baby. It took me a really long time to get over that loss. But deep down, Chris and I knew that it happened for a reason. We weren’t married (yet), we weren’t “ready”. But it didn’t make it any easier. His extremely religious uncle told us that our miscarriage was a blessing from God because it was a sin to be pregnant and unmarried. Chris almost punched him in his face. But the point I’m trying to make is, that pregnancy even as short lived as it was, gave us HOPE. It gave us hope that it is possible for us to get pregnant. And it brought us closer together.
Jen, everything happens for a reason. Whether you look at it from a religious/spiritual stand point or not, it’s true. I truly think that everything (good or bad) happens for a reason. You may not know why or understand why but just know that one day you’ll be able to look back at the experience and you’ll be able to appreciate the experience in a whole new way.
You aren’t going to hell for finding peace in knowing that it just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t make you a bad person at all. And talking about it definitely will help. I remember not wanting to talk about it to anybody after it happened. I tried to keep it all bottled inside of me. But I quickly learned that you have to go through the mourning process. Whatever that may be for you. I have never forgotten about my Angel Baby. It was 2 1/2 years ago that our Angel Baby left us. Every year on that day we think of her. We talk about her. She’ll forever be in my heart. And that’s ok.
If you ever need to talk about it, don’t hesitate to come my way. Take time for yourself and don’t forget that your husband is mourning, too. It’ll take some time but soon enough your hearts will heal and once again you’ll be open to bringing a new life into your world. And when that’s meant to happen, it’ll be perfect.
Sorry for your lose, my wife miscarried years ago. I dunno why these things happen, i guess no one does. Bless you guys and hope one day you have a lovely baby.
@cre13 - I think that these struggles are part of what drew me to you many months ago … right now, I’m speechless by your story (and everyone else’s experiences and well-wishes), but know that I appreciate you being there for me MORE than I can express. I’m so glad that I’m here for you on “stand by” — any time you need me, dear, I’m here! You and Chris are in my prayers, as always. Loves!
@BarelyJen - Awwww … thank you Jen, that means more to me than you know.
Yes you ARE going to Hell for being human and being upset over something (I feel) that is legitimate!
Lol. I’m surprised that you’re taking the bad news so well. It’s pretty inspirational, actually.
If you insist on going to hell, then I’ll accompany you, because I miscarried last March. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and neither of us were in a position to raise a child, but it was still very hard for me. If you need someone to talk to, my email is a_r_flurer6395@yahoo.com
You’re in my thoughts! Hugs!