February 10, 2009
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Are you SURE you missed me?
Sometimes, life is just too hard to deal with.I know I’ve been absent — apparently noticeably so — for the past few weeks. After five years of consistent (read: almost daily, if not more) blogging, I hit a rough patch. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say, (frankly, I’ve ALWAYS got something to spew) I just didn’t WANT to.
My life is very complicated and overwhelming right now. For a person who prides herself on being positive and happy, it’s hard to type out the blatant negativity in my head. Far be it from me to actually analyze another piece of myself (or share it with the world). Afterall, I’m perfect, right? (Sarcasm, people. Embrace it. Love it.)
No one wants to read a whiner, so I’ve refrained. No one wants to read senseless blabber, so I didn’t write. Hell, my internal whining and brooding annoys MYSELF, so I can only imagine how well you all would take it.However, something happens when you hold it all in. Your brain becomes swollen with the angry, ranty thoughts that fill it, until you can no longer function.
Today, I’ve hit my breaking point.My life isn’t horrible, and my complaints are minuscule grains of sand in the hourglass of life … but when you have an entire sandbox full of crap, it’s no longer fun or easy to deal with (not to mention smelly and gross).
The economy is shite. Yes, I feel it. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Bill days give me hives. Budgeting is a necessary yet overwhelming evil we continue to deal with. We save and buy only what’s necessary, but never have anything left over it seems.We owe taxes this year. First time ever. Not too much, but it’s just another kick in the gut. WTF.
I am consistently working oodles of overtime. When you spend 12-15 hour days on a computer at work, you don’t really want to come home and do anything but stare at walls. Seriously.
Merit raises? What are those? Put simply, the thing we won’t get this year. So much for getting ahead. (Understandable due to the shiteous economy, and I’m truly thankful to have such a good job, but …)
I lost my baby. Despite being generally okay with the situation, it still sucks. Realistically, it was good that it happened when it did (versus down the line a few months), and it would have been more of a struggle than we need right now. I feel like a failure to my husband and family (they’ve never made me feel that way, though — this is just my stupid head talking). I’m in a depression I didn’t think I’d go through, and it SUCKS.Someone asked me today what I do in my “free” time, and I drew a blank. I used to have so many hobbies, and now I merely exist. Where did my life go?
Yup, looks like I’m back,
but is this really what you were missing?
Comments (57)
Huge hug.
Sometimes that intercranial pressure has to be released some how. Exercise, blogging, singing and shouting…
All I can say is huge hug. I tried to be articulate in that other sentiment, but it fell short.
*hug*
YES I AM SURE I AM I AM I AM…..
My love, its ok to go through a rough patch we all have them. But we come out of them just as you will.
I love you.
First off, I’m terribly, terribly sorry for your loss honey, and your hard times. It’s a difficult time to live in… and I’m sure you didn’t need that profound wound right now. But though I’m not so religious, I do believe in karma… and you will find some sort of joy in the future. Your struggle now will be worth it. Don’t quit… I know as a sufferer that depression is hard to deal with, but that’s the key: don’t quit. Day by day. You’re in my thoughts.
Second: Don’t be apologetic about your blog. It’s your blog, and you can certainly write in it in whatever mood you please. Frankly, all sunshine and butterflies freaks me out a bit, becuse that’s not reality. Just do what you gotta do, say or don’t say what you gotta say or don’t gotta say, and don’t worry about it.
This is your headspace, we’re just passengers, and privileged ones at that.
Anyway, cheers and best of luck.
Wow. Really sorry you lost your baby. You’re in my prayers.
I miss you sorry about your baby.
I certainly did miss you! Mucho mucho mucho!! I’m glad to see you’re back and I hope things get a little easier for you. Hopefully you can come to the next Houston Meet and have a little vacation. Unfortunately I won’t have my own place at that point in time so I can’t offer you a place to stay like before =( But I would be very excited if you could make it.
<333
< ( ^ . ^ < )
Yes.
Keep your head up. It is your blog, so it should be about you. If people don’t want to read it, all well. If you are worried about being anonymous, open another xanga under another identity. :] Take care
Missed your blogs. We all hit rough patches, but this to shall pass, my friend.
yes i miss you jen….
Missed you so much!! Hugs!
Missed you! Sounds like you have had it hard this year, even the most positive people can get down sometimes. Hang in there. Glad to see you back!
I totally feel you on the economy thing. My husband and I have been married a year and no matter what we try we haven’t been able to save any money for a single month. I don’t know what to do.
I am pretty sure we are going to get some money back on our taxes but I doubt it will last long.
You are missed though. I love reading your stuff so be back for good!
kisses jen everywhere!
I believe they had a “Jentervention” for a good reason, no?
F–k….. budget?
I………. I live paying my monthly college plan a month at a time. I don’t… I literally can’t afford to fail. Working two part-time jobs… attending it full-time, I wish I had some consistency that would allow for the opportunity to budget (not that i would if I did, but… you know… the consistency would be nice).
Sarcasm I do love–keep it up.
I’m sure things will get better for you soon!
Great that you are blogging again.
We all hit rough patches sometimes and we’re completely and totally allowed to wallow a little bit before moving on. I’m hoping that all of this passes for you too. I’m sending positive thoughts your way!
Blogging through the crappier subjects only makes you more real to us. That’s life, from time to time. You might even find yourself connecting with others here even deeper and there-in finding some release.
Sending you lots of love and good luck. I’ll be in Dallas next month. Let’s see if we can’t meet up one night, ok? Call if you need to vent. I’m here — free therapist! <3 <3 <3
yes! anything from you is what we were missing. and i don’t feel you should ever restrict your (not me of course. heh. i should…) writing for anyone else. we read your blog because of YOU, and it should be all of the different aspects of you. nobody has great days everyday! i know you’re going through a hard time, and maybe you don’t feel like blogging. that’s totally fine. but i hope you’re not cutting back on blogging because you think we won’t want to hear what you say, because that’s entirely not true. i hope everything turns out better
jen, write whatever you want. i promise i’ll read it lots, and… write about whatever i want, also, as moral support.
cos you know how morally supportive i am.
Dearest, it might be best for you to go see someone. Even if you don’t know if you’re truly ‘depressed’, just really really down, it super helps to talk to someone who is neutral to the whole situation.
Jen this is your xanga, and we are a xanga fam, and therefore we must listen to each other whine here and there
you were missed and I hope things start looking up, which they will God Willing 
things will get better…glad you came back.
Of course dear! And you look stunning in your photograph
Yes. Even crappy-feeling Jen is better than no Jen.
I’m glad you’re back. Just look to God and hold onto your faith.
Accept a hug?
@Punched_Toast - You speak the truth.
Trust these words! It really does help… its what I do for people. I let them talk to me and I help them out. Now I’m not saying come to me for the chit chat you may need… (you can if you want, by all means… its your call) Just.. consider talking to someone.
And welcome back!!!
Your blog doesn’t have to solely exist to entertain those who read it. We’re not just an audience. Whatever you write, we’ll read because we like hearing what you have to say. You take the good, you take the bad… You take them both and there you have the facts of life?
I think I just quoted a theme song.
Missed you Jen.
I used to be carried away by your beautiful eyes !! Then I miss you a while ,welcome back !! kuni
Yep, you were missed.
I’m sure a number of us are glad you are bad, and yes, are and this are what we were missing
Sorry for your loss love you!!
*lovelovelovelovelove*
Sorry for your loss =(
It is your blog, you post whatever YOU want to.
I got a kick out of the day I awoke to find out I now make double what I did previously….and everyday since when it feels like the day before this all the prices tripled; That will be enough of the sarcasm, me. Life is grand and I now watch my little side job grow a fabulous allowance’s worth of income; sarcasm is a drug. I even try valiently to hope (without expectation) for the chance to see a prettyface which might lead another visit-and a bit sooner than another 5 years from now; Sarcasm dates Cynacism and they hit it off. You know, the fun part isn’t the bummers but that the universal joke, on us-of course, is not the nasty things that we must learn from but how well we smile and ask in our best Victorian-age Schoolboy, “Thank you, Sir; may I have another?” Best of luck with the happy thoughts of island holidays or whatever you might actually dream of-as soon as you get enough rest and restoritive recouperation to actually remember one.
Actually…a bit of Russian Lit. might help you laugh…darkly.
WAHOO!!! welcome back!!!
We havin’ fun over here, too…hence the spotty blogging record these past 7 days.
Here’s to more posts to come for both of us..
bug ya later…
I think we’re all feeling a lot of the same woes right now. Other than the baby part. I do understand the depression that comes along with losing a child though. And I know that you aren’t a failure and you know you aren’t. Enough said about that, cuz I know you know these things
I like to think that I’m part of your xanga family. And I love you and care about you! Whatever you need to say, say it.
And btw, I missed you.
Simply…You were missed!
Be well.
I’ve missed you! But I totally understand… you don’t need to explain anything to us! But I have been worried about you!! Big Hugs!!! xoxo
*hugs* Glad to see you’re back.
You write whenever you’re ready.
Sure, you’re a top blogger, but anyone who reads your blog knows what you’re going through because of reading your previous posts. It’s understandable.
And like I said before, we’re all family. Blogging does involve whining and brooding and no matter how much you don’t want to post it, getting positive feedback like this can help you feel better.
Things will get better in time. They always do.
Hang in there, Mrs. Jen. Life is not all ups. This, too, shall pass.
I missed your cuteness. I don’t have a lot of that in my life.
Seriously want to give you a big hug right now. I had a dream that you had e-mailed or texted me that this was the one weekend we could visit because you/hubs were going to be working a bunch in the next few weeks. I hope my internet hug can suffice until I can give you a big grandpa hug. Hard to count the blessings when all the sand is being kicked in your eye. Gotta get that work/life balance back to some kind of normal. For reals. Your sanity is requiring it. Wub you!
budgetting sucks, but i am believing it is temporal being in this kinda shitty economic right now…it will be better and we will all have extras to spend on ourselves. ***hugz***
anyway, this is part of your portal to voice out anything you want, be it your anger, happiness, or whatsoever, just blog, just keep it up, we all share the support together when those who are within our reach seems so far away.
when i was in dire traits back 5 years ago, it was xanga, which provided me with people who became close support and kept me going till i finally became stable financially once again. so let’s hang on together k.
It happens to us all in some way or another. Take care of yourself.
you were missing!?
I’M JOKING! i love you and i did MISS you…all of everything you ever have to say! i missed it. you can talk about anything you want and i’ll still be riding your bandwagon!
muah!
http://photo.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/1948d232479724/photo.html
It doesn’t matter how big or little one’s problems are compared to anothers, they matter. You matter. Your problems and struggles and trials and depression are every bit as real as anyone else’s. *hugs*
You know what you need…..Amber time! That’s right. I’m going to come and kidnap you one day soon! WATCH OUT!
Def. Missed Ya ! I have to agree the Economy is shite !
You will pull out of this =]
That must all be so difficult to deal with. I’m sorry you are having a hard time of life right now.
Something that always helps me when I”m feeling depressed or drowning in a “sandbox” of problems is to find and do something, anything, that focuses on helping other people instead of myself. I find one person that has it worse off than I do and I help them in any way I can. This sounds like the weirdest advice ever, because when we’re down ourselves how in the world are we supposed to be able to pull others up? When we can hardly find time for ourselves how are we supposed to give time to others? But it really truly works. It’s funny, but the worst moments in life are actually the moments that we need to show the most compassion for others. I think the biggest thing this does for me is keep me from dwelling on the downward spiral of self pity/depression. Depression loves to be noticed and felt. It loves to sink in deeper every time we dwell on it. So if we’re focusing on others as much as possible, it’s like saying “screw you incredible sadness. I am making the world a HAPPIER place.” The other thing it does for me, a bit selfishly, is it makes me realize that I don’t have it off as badly as I think I do. Like, there’s always someone who has it worse.
I will pray that things will get easier for you soon!
Oh Jen. I think we love you enough that hearing ur “whinning” wouldn’t have bothered us much, we’re here to help,and pray! Welcome back
sure?
POSITIVE
While I don’t work the over time that you have, my 9 Hour workdays, combined with 3 hours of commute time, I feel you on the whole wanting to stare at walls thing…
Hang in there JEN.
The week is almost over!
you dont know me but I liked some of your blogs………..I am sorry to hear about your baby! I myself was pregnant and lost my daughters twin. Just remember out of all the babies in the world, God missed yours the most, and wanted yours back in heaven!