January 3, 2005

• EUREKA! A crackhead’s dream…

  Ever wonder whether a drug addict dreamed of all the things that were to take place in their future? What their aspirations were? Well, after spending countless hours in drugs class watching movies of people’s testimonies, I have compiled this “plan of action” for addicts everywhere. Enjoy.
  

  Dear Diary,
  Today, I realized my life’s calling. After years of desperate searching to find my place in this world, I figured out how to best contribute to society. It hit me like a flash. My sole mission was to become the best crack whore I could be.

  I knew that I wanted to be like all those famous people that I looked up to for so long. I yearned to have the same pus-infested trackmarks on my arms. I want to be thin like them, too. Mom always said I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I think I’m going to go for the sallow look. Sure, my skin will be tightly stretched across my bones, and I could fall over if a light breeze came through, but anything for beauty!

  I want to feel like I’m flying with magic sea turtles and my 9th grade gym teacher through a library of unicorns…Of course, paranoia may follow, but what IS paranoia anyways? That just means you’re more alert to your surroundings, and who couldn’t stand being more aware?

  I mean, I just want what everyone else wants: to drink until my liver fails me and pass out nightly. Think of all the hip new friends I would make? Besides, I love living on the edge, and what better than to play Russian Roulette with alcohol? …I know what you’re thinking. What happens when your liver does fail? Well, duh! There’s always more out there for me to use. After all, people are just dying to share their body parts with me.

  I also dream of the love of my life. Granted, I haven’t met him yet, but I know everything that he will be. He will be tall, dark and have a rudimentary knowledge of cutting and snorting cocaine. He will be my lover, friend and pimp. He must be able to love me enough to let me go… to the corner to suck a dude off in order to provide the cash for our next high. Heh, I can see us snuggled up next to the fire, shooting up and freebasing. And of course, no relationship would be complete without going to Home Depot on the weekends, hitting the bong along the way.

  And of course, children are definitely in the picture. But I don’t want one of those “normal” babies. HELL NO! I want one that’s not fully developed–you know, missing an arm, leg or the motor-skilled part of the brain. That way, my baby will know that mommy loved them so much and that I worked extra hard to make them extra special.

  I can’t wait to see all my dreams come true. And of course, ending it in my prime. As they say: “Stay alive ’til 35…O.D. is the way for ME!”

  Someone save me from this Winter-mini course…It’s really starting to get to me!!
  

  • 6:39 pm
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