Today is my first day off in almost two weeks. I hardly know what to do with myself, to be honest. I’ve quickly fallen into the “work is life” mindset, considering I’m there almost every waking moment. When I’m not there, I’m still thinking about it. UGH.

At it’s core, my job is wonderful. It’s a high-profile position at a high-profile company. I get to be creative by writing about and advertising our goods. Things I say matter, and those thoughts are shared with consumers daily. Because of the economy (and new processes/people), it has been a challenge for us to get everything done in our 40-hour window. Because of that, this salaried gal has been working 60-some hours to do my part in keeping it going. We’ll get it together soon, but in the meantime … I’m consumed.

I miss interacting with you all, but I need to do what I can to survive this crazy time in the real world. Some of you understand that, some of you don’t. At the end of the day, I’m okay with that.

I still have a major update in store, but I want to hold off a few days on it (can’t go jinxing things, can I?). Perhaps a protected post is in order. We’ll see. 

Loves.

A REAL update to come soon … big things are in the works. Wish me luck!

A familiar voice crooned over the radio airwaves this evening.

I flashed back to a Valentine’s day from more than a few years ago. I was absolutely head over heels in love with the “man of my dreams.”

I recall how excited I was when the phone rang that afternoon. “I wonder what he has planned tonight!?” I thought. Dinner? A movie? After a few moments of chatting, it was clear an evening of fun was planned … it just wasn’t an evening with me.

Instead of spending Valentine’s day together (as we had planned), he’d be going out with his buddies. “Jennifer, don’t be so upset. It’s just one night.” In the grand scheme of things, he was right; it WAS only one night. Despite the hurt and disappointment, I gave him the space he craved. Looking back, though, that night was the beginning of the end. His bastardly actions grew to be more heinous over the next year, but that didn’t matter. I knew he was it for me. I begged God to help me keep him, and I cried for months when He didn’t grant my wish.

And then, God brought me Alex. I thank Him every day for that.

A local store put up a creative Valentine’s Day display in their storefront windows. The display was a giant red heart, fashioned out of wrapped condoms. The intent is to promote AIDS awareness and safe sex, under a “give love, get love” tagline. The news story asked several people their thoughts on the display (mostly teenage or 20-something girls, way to spread the interviews around) and the general consensus — reached amidst the naive giggling — was that while being a good message, it was inappropriate for kids to be exposed to.

What?!?! First of all, unless you knew what a condom was, it would simply look like a giant heart.

Second, In today’s world, kids are exposed to sex at a younger age than ever. We are at a place where we have sex, but don’t discuss the repercussions of our actions. We aren’t being honest with ourselves. What’s wrong with being honest about protection? I don’t know that I knew much about condoms or sex until my mid-teens (shameful, but I was sheltered and blissfully unaware. Because of this, I’ve struggled with speaking about sex through the years. Times are different now.) I think the marketing was impactful and more honest than most of America is willing to be with our children.

No, this shouldn’t be a person’s first introduction to a condom, I realize, but dammit, it should serve as a reminder of what COULD happen when you have sex without thinking. People die from not using one of those. Initiate the dialogue.

Also worth noting, I wrote this whole thing on the iPhone (the need to blog about this was overwhelming. You’re welcome.)

Sometimes, life is just too hard to  deal with.

I know I’ve been absent — apparently noticeably so — for the past few weeks. After five years of consistent (read: almost daily, if not more) blogging, I hit a rough patch. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to say, (frankly, I’ve ALWAYS got something to spew) I just didn’t WANT to.

My life is very complicated and overwhelming right now. For a person who prides herself on being positive and happy, it’s hard to type out the blatant negativity in my head. Far be it from me to actually analyze another piece of myself (or share it with the world). Afterall, I’m perfect, right? (Sarcasm, people. Embrace it. Love it.)

No one wants to read a whiner, so I’ve refrained. No one wants to read senseless blabber, so I didn’t write. Hell, my internal whining and brooding annoys MYSELF, so I can only imagine how well you all would take it.

However, something happens when you hold it all in. Your brain becomes swollen with the angry, ranty thoughts that fill it, until you can no longer function.

Today, I’ve hit my breaking point.

My life isn’t horrible, and my complaints are minuscule grains of sand in the hourglass of life … but when you have an entire sandbox full of crap, it’s no longer fun or easy to deal with (not to mention smelly and gross).

The economy is shite. Yes, I feel it. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Bill days give me hives. Budgeting is a necessary yet overwhelming evil we continue to deal with. We save and buy only what’s necessary, but never have anything left over it seems.

We owe taxes this year. First time ever. Not too much, but it’s just another kick in the gut. WTF.

I am consistently working oodles of overtime. When you spend 12-15 hour days on a computer at work, you don’t really want to come home and do anything but stare at walls. Seriously.

Merit raises? What are those? Put simply, the thing we won’t get this year. So much for getting ahead. (Understandable due to the shiteous economy, and I’m truly thankful to have such a good job, but …)

I lost my baby. Despite being generally okay with the situation, it still sucks. Realistically, it was good that it happened when it did (versus down the line a few months), and it would have been more of a struggle than we need right now. I feel like a failure to my husband and family (they’ve never made me feel that way, though — this is just my stupid head talking). I’m in a depression I didn’t think I’d go through, and it SUCKS.

Someone asked me today what I do in my “free” time, and I drew a blank. I used to have so many hobbies, and now I merely exist. Where did my life go?

My wedding day was an explosion of love. Our family and friends gathered to celebrate the love of myself and the man I was destined to love forever. But he would not be the first to hold my heart. That honor belongs to the first love of my life: my daddy.

I remember walking down the aisle with him. As we waited to begin, I was an anxious wreck. My father simply took my hand and I could breathe again. As we walked, I stopped and took a (rather loud) breath. His grip tightened. He knew what was coming, and he knew it was time. As daddy handed me over, he leaned in to husband and said “I trust you.”

Husband takes that seriously, to this day. 

The father/daughter dance was a bittersweet event. To us, it was a small good-bye to the little girl I used to be. “You are a beautiful woman now, but you will always be my little girl.” I drank in his smell — the faintest trace of cologne and cigarettes lingered on his lapel — and I made a memory that will last a lifetime.

#1 “A daughter’s love” by BarelyJen

I have entered this into Cre13′s photo contest about love. Please stop by and check it out (and vote for my entry, of course!).

According to AdAge.com, even popular “music” bands are feeling the wrath of the economy’s downturn.

Interesting read for a Monday, to be sure. What’s next? Gene Simmon asked to retire from KISS?