No, I'm not gay.

But if I were, would that really have been a bad thing? Would you stop reading me? Blast my page with negative thoughts? Why?

I've always been very open-minded—and very protective—of my gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgendered friends. So, when I hear sentiments like "is that the gay?" come out of someone's mouth, I cringe. The gay? They're not second-class citizens. Just because they're not like you doesn't mean they've become gender-neutral. How about is SHE gay? Is HE gay?

Shake their hand, you won't catch it. Stop eyeing my co-worker suspiciously—I promise she's not in to you. So she was born a man ... she's obviously got enough going on without your judgments adding to the pile. Continue reading →

My scariest nightmare: husband dies. The end.

I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

1. Taking road trips alone suck. You are stuck driving the entire distance by yourself, with no one to talk to. BUT you can also rock out to your girly pop music and not get bitched at.

2. Sleeping alone sucks. There's no one to cuddle with, and most times, you're stuck on a way-too-small-for-one-person bed. BUT you don't have anyone stealing the covers or accidentally whomping you in the face at 2 a.m.

3. Watching movies back-to-back suck. Not only does your neck stick in that awkward craning position, but you find yourself filling up on popcorn for dinner. BUT catching up on new-to-me movies puts me back in the pop culture know.

4. Seeing your family's half-deconstructed home sucks. The rooms you remember are gone, left only with exposed wires, studs and insulation to stare at. BUT the smile on your mom's face and the promise of her dream home almost being done is worth it.

5. Cold weather sucks. Yeah, no negative/positive here ... it is what it is.

It was great to see my family and get away from it all for a few days. Yes, I missed my husband (and computer) terribly, but it's always reassuring that I can survive without both ... if only for a day or two.

Today's email from husband made my day:

See, the world isn't over yet. Your creator is still alive. All Hail Steve Jobs!

With Sarcasm and love,
Alex

This is our first weekend apart since before getting married. a huge leap forward on our relationship and we didn't have more than a second to let it sink in before hitting the road. Four hours, driven alone. Time with family without my family ... It shows how grown up and independent we are, but at the same time we realize it's always better together.

As I snuggle into a narrow sofa, he is luxuriating in a king siZe bed of awesome. Lucky.

Yes, I am beyond tired at this point.

I miss my husband, but I think I miss my bed more.

A few weeks ago, I posted about my battle with insomnia and RLS. (You can see it featured on healthkicker today ... yes, I am Ms. Cookie. )

Many of you shared your own stories, and for that, I thank you. It's always nice to know we're not alone in our struggles. For some, melatonin seemed to be the solution.

Melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain that helps regulate other hormones and plays a critical role in determining when we fall asleep and when we wake up. It is all-natural and non-habit forming—a change from my current prescription of Ambien CR. Also, at $7.50 for a 60-day supply, the thought of saving money was just an added bonus.

As I walked into my local GNC this past weekend, I was hopeful I had found a better solution to my sleeping problem.

I took the sublingual tablet Monday evening—it goes under the tongue for quick disolution and absorption—and within minutes, I felt it coursing through my body. But sleep wouldn't come. In fact, it just made me more aware of the lack of sleep I was getting. My heart was beating through my chest, and even the smallest light from the wall's smoke detector put me on edge. I had the worst headache imaginable, but I couldn't move to fix it. My body was resting, my mind, awake.

When I "woke up" the next morning, I was groggy. I needed to go into work, but couldn't. I ended up falling asleep some time later, and snoozed through most of the afternoon. So much for putting my sleep schedule in check!

Last night, I decided to give it another go. The doctor suggested taking two pills, so I did. But it didn't help. In fact, the headache came faster, and the restlessness was more intense. I was lucky to be able to sleep a few hours this morning, but I'm groggy as hell. I had errands to run today, but I won't be driving anywhere. Better safe than sorry.

Perhaps it's because I have a more advanced case of insomnia and RLS, but melatonin just didn't work for me. I really wish it would have, both for my health and my wallet.

Have you taken melatonin before? What was your experience like?

Dear Jen,

I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you, and here's what I've come up with:

Live your life. You have huge things in store for you, dear. Don't be afraid to go for it, and go big. Even the smallest victories will have huge dividends in the end.

Don't write off college. I know this sounds like a weird idea now, since you've been planning on going your whole life, but you'll try to walk away from your dream. DON'T. It's not worth it.

Yes, you're going to screw up. It'll be hard and you'll hurt for a long time, but I'll tell you this much: you'll get through it. Never give up on life ... I never did.

Don't count on the future you're imagining right now. Being only seventeen, I know you're brushing my advice to the side, but listen to me: this is not what you really want. He is not what you need. You won't realize it for another few years, but you are so much better than this. You deserve more. You are a beautiful person, and any man would be lucky to love you. It's just not him.

Listen to your family. Last year's divorce was hard on you and your brother, I know. But you two are a product of the love your parents once shared. They are wise beyond all reason, and will be there for you no matter what. Don't shut them out, and they'll be there for you always.

Speak up. You've always been timid, but now's the time to speak your mind. You have a lovely voice, so use it.

Enjoy the small things. You're pretty laid back now, but one day you'll find yourself running in fifteen different directions. Just stop, breathe and carry on. Stay focused and on task, but know when it's time to step away for some "you" time. I've been struggling with this, so if you learn anything from my experiences, it's THIS.

One day, you'll meet a fabulous man. Don't try looking for him, because he won't show up until you stop looking. Things will be tough, but this man will bring an air of simplicity to your life. Embrace it. Embrace him. You'll try to give up, but he won't let you. Be thankful for him every day.

I absolutely love where my life is right now, and despite the years of pain and frustration, I wouldn't change a thing. Sure, there are things I "regret", but I wouldn't advise you to do anything different. Those things have made us who we are now. Good luck, Jen. I love you.

Love,
An older, "wiser" you 


*inspired by Millsanicole's post—go check it out!

Miss Seedsower has been putting together some Xanga baby pictures ... she did such a good job on mine, I can't figure out which one's real versus photoshopped!!

  

HAHA, either way, I'm downright adorable.

... I couldn't resist putting up a few more ...